What was intended as a way to refresh the look of coins while also introducing new measures to combat counterfeiting has turned into a full-blown culture war. On the BBC’s political debate program “Question Time”, an audience member accused the Greens of seeking to exclude wartime leader Winston Churchill, despite having no affiliation with any political party. The issue even brought together political rivals Nigel Farage of Reform and Ed Davey of the Liberal Democrats, who both condemned the move, as did many other “everything is woke these days” talking heads.
But what should be on Bank of England notes? What do the people of England and Wales (the good people of Scotland and Northern Ireland have their money set aside, even if it is legal tender in the UK) want in their notes?
This is what everyone can agree on and what the illustrations in the description will look like (please send a complaint to the Bank of England, Threadneedle Street, London)…
A nice cup of tea
Everyone loves a cup (or cup) of tea — and that’s English Breakfast Tea (or chai, as the Brits call it) with milk, not Earl Gray or matcha or, well, coffee. The only option is sugar. The pattern in the description will be a cup of tea served on a plate with a spoon on one side and a biscuit (not a cookie!) on the other side for dunking.
A list of when the bins come out
Nothing unites the British more than complaining about how rarely the rubbish (or garbage, if you prefer) is collected. Although a logistical challenge for the Bank of England (as each local authority has its own waste laws), a list of the days you should put your regular bin, your glass recycling bin and your garden waste would be a great public service, accompanied by a diagram of the wheelie bins, one of which has been demolished.
David Attenborough
The perfect link between the camp of historical figures and the camp of wildlife, everyone in England loves David Attenborough, the 99-year-old biologist and TV presenter whose shows are the epitome of excellence. The painting would show Attenborough delicately holding in his hands one of Britain’s most famous wildlife species, a one-legged pigeon with a parasitic skin condition.
Queuing to see the queen
There is no better example of the British in recent years than people lining up to pay their respects to the late Queen Elizabeth II. For the longest time, the waiting time was more than 24 hours, and when two TV presenters – Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby – appeared accused of skipping the line, they faced a backlash that will not recover. The painting would show the queen lying in state and a large organ passing through London, with people grumbling about the manners of their fellow queuers.
Chicken tikka masala
Yes, the British love fish and chips and a variety of brown stews, but nothing says traditional more than a mild curry believed to have been invented by a Pakistani-Scottish chef to appease a customer who complained that his food was too dry. The draw will be a curry with rice, naan and 18 pints of fizzy lager.
