Rappler hosts the couples counseling series Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margaret Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from the University of Oxford. A banker for 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the past 10 years as a co-lecturer and, occasionally, as a co-therapist, especially for clients whose financial problems interfere with their daily lives..
Together they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Mistress-Eyed Mindset and Ordered Love: Filipino-Foreign Relations.
Hello, Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,
It’s me again, Richard. It’s just an update.
They offered me a second time. This time, I accepted the promotion offer.
Thank you for suggesting that I speak to the business owner directly. I was very afraid to do it, but with your response to my letter, I tried.
My manager supported me; but, at the time of its announcement, everyone was surprised by the sudden decision and my promotion two higher grades.
My team leaders responded in the negative. They were not happy about it; they feel overtaken.
I asked my manager, as a favor, that I first talk to my two team leaders before announcing my promotion. But it was his decision that he announced first, without any warning to them or to me. But yes, some were happy but some were not but it doesn’t matter. I chose this for myself, for my growth.
The people I look up to the most are my two team leaders; but one of them gives me the cold shoulder and won’t listen to my side
Now I am criticized about the job offer and for my acceptance.
Because I have only been working in this company for seven months and got a promotion after that, my colleagues are gossiping about it.
I know they are talking about me indirectly – hahahaha -but it doesn’t affect me a bit as I focus more on my growth.
It’s just that we shared good memories and they knew what kind of person I was. But in their opinion now, it speaks volumes about who they are inside.
Do you agree?
– Richard
Dear Richard,
Thanks for your update. It’s good to hear that you’ve defended your ad and that you’re confident enough to withstand negative responses to it.
Working in a corporate environment has its advantages and disadvantages. It is a great opportunity among other things to earn a regular salary, have a structure in which you can make your way on the greasy pole to develop yourself and, hopefully, make some friends from among your colleagues.
Disadvantages include office politics, endless petty squabbling and competing for positions among employees and often bureaucracy which can be a real stumbling block. You will be lucky if you find that your company avoids these pitfalls, the worst in my personal experience is the HR department that has the hypocrisy of covering itself in the language of justice as the protector of every humble employee but in fact works ceaselessly to promote the interests of management to the detriment of employees.
In contrast, self-employment may seem very attractive but it comes without that regular pay and requires a big bet on a person’s long-term ability to find enough work to sustain their lifestyle, whatever that may entail.
Another aspect of the business world is that one works with a diverse group of people who, although they are co-workers, are often also competitors for promotion to higher jobs but who are not everywhere in the oil rig. These are not the people one has chosen to work with but everyone still has to live with on a daily basis.
As with any group, most relationships are characterized by mutual tolerance in pursuit of whatever organizational goals the business agrees on, but friendships and rivalries inevitably arise.
It is to your credit that you do not allow criticism and gossip around you to affect your work. Your promotion, however, depended on your performance as well as your abilities. One-sided malice, which often reflects thwarted desire, should not be allowed to divert you from your chosen path.
It’s frustrating when relationships break down but it often happens when one person gets promoted and others don’t. So I agree with you when you point out it says more about your critics than you.
All the best,
JF Baer
Dear Richard,
Thank you very much for this, your second letter to us. It’s wonderful (not to mention rare) to hear from a former letter writer who feels his condition has improved, even suggesting that our column may have helped.
Because you took the risk to trust us, I will also take the risk and share my observations and, later, my theory about some trends in your work.
Yes, my observations may be unexpected due to larger problems, but in my clinical experience, sometimes the seemingly trivial things that people are afraid to bring up are the most important.
SO…here goes:
I don’t trust your manager, and I don’t think you should either. Despite your request to stop his promotion announcement so that you can talk (“warn”) your team leaders about your new position so they have time to “practice” their responses so they don’t get caught off guard, your manager ignored your request, which led to your team leader’s resentment. He didn’t even warn you about his decision, leaving you flat-footed as well.
You say your manager supported you, but I disagree. Why wouldn’t he honor your very simple request to speak with your team leaders ahead of time?
This is not the first time for him to hinder your work either.
The first is what you talked about in yours Letter of February 22when he took it upon himself to refuse a promotion, without even asking you first!
Both times he has robbed you of your agency, your chance to do for yourself how you want to deal with your life. Both times he has made it difficult for you to succeed.
In the past, it was by refusing on your behalf a job that promoted your career but without your knowledge or therefore your permission. Now, by making it difficult for you to smooth the waters between your team leaders and yourself.
You say it “didn’t affect (you) one bit” how your coworkers see you, but I think it does affect you.
It would affect me, and everyone else. You also mention that “the people I look up to the most are my two team leaders”. It seems that he deliberately damaged your relationship with them.
Some people like to believe that work is more important where jobs are concerned. Yes, that’s true, BUT your relationships with your coworkers are part of the job.
Your manager is a snake. Either that, or ignorance of rank is why he didn’t heed your request to give your team leaders a heads up.
Actually, I don’t know which is worse.
I’m really sorry if this isn’t good news, but I can’t help but feel it’s news that might help you later.
All the best,
– MG Holmes
