Rappler’s People section runs couples counseling series Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margaret Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from the University of Oxford. A banker for 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the past 10 years as a co-lecturer and, occasionally, as a co-therapist, especially for clients whose financial problems interfere with their daily lives..
Together they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Mistress-Eyed Mindset and Ordered Love: Filipino-Foreign Relations.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:
My daughter, 38, married for 15 years with 3 children, now wants to annul her marriage. He seeks our help. He says he’s looking for our emotional support, rather than financial support, but he’s used that information before. It always ends up being more financial than anything else.
Now she wants to divorce her husband Anthony. We love Anthony. He is responsible and considerate of others’ feelings, and seems destined for a bright future. These are the qualities that our daughter has in very small numbers.
The problem is that many of his problems stem from impatience, inability to forgive, and a sense of “honor” that is sometimes difficult to understand. Any mischief done in his honor seems to be his sole responsibility.
It was easy when my wife Maria was around. But he died three years ago and I was the only one left to take care of our daughter and grandchildren. Our daughter is our only child.
When my Maria was alive, the family would be here every Sunday for lunch. My wife loved this, spending all Saturday preparing food, and Sunday, after the children and their parents had left, repeating the conversation and the little things that happened during lunch. Sometimes our daughter would do or say something that upset the “family tone” of our weekly gatherings, but Anthony and my wife were very good at smoothing over ruffled feathers and things would return to normal.
I don’t want to help my daughter get an annulment. I’m afraid this is just his anger getting the best of him. But I don’t want to leave him either. Any help from you will be greatly appreciated.
-Eric
Dear Eric,
As a parent, the natural response to conversations from adult children seeking advice and/or help is often to step in and provide whatever help is needed, often regardless of the situation. However, there are some general guidelines that should inform such situations so that some of the upcoming pitfalls can be avoided.
As a rule, adult children have already reached the level of freedom and independence. The degree of independence and independence may vary but parents should be keen to help their children retain what they have achieved in these areas whenever possible. This is especially important in the case of marital relations and parenting and usually means keeping one’s own opinion. It is important to remember that parents are of a completely different generation and era; today’s environment creates novel complications and yesterday’s solutions are no longer applicable.
Keeping your opinions to yourself is not part of your plan anyway, Eric. Although you are aware of your daughter’s wishes, you are willing to go against her stated plan. You seem to be blaming him for the marital discord but you have no solutions, only opposition to the annulment of the marriage. To complicate the situation, you are also worried that the support he is seeking from you will actually be financial, not just emotional. And yet you claim that you don’t want to break up with him.
There seems no possible way you can handle these conflicting goals, so perhaps the way forward is to focus on providing the emotional support your daughter is looking for while resisting the temptation to express your opinion about the future of her marriage. After all, you are a stranger who is in no way aware of the real issues he is facing and it is, in the end, him. marriage that’s at stake, not yours!
Depending on your close relationship with your daughter, this still leaves enough scope for you to respond if she asks for your advice and guidance. Just remember not to give it out unless it’s asked for.
All the best,
JF Baer
Dear Eric:
Thank you very much for your letter.
On the one hand, congratulations! You are one of the few parents who have not directly (and even aggressively) defended their daughter against her husband when they found out she wanted an annulment from her husband. This usually means that the parent may have goals beyond what is considered “natural,” as they may see more than blood relations. This usually means a more measured analysis of the reasons why the marriage has become unsalvageable.
However, this is not what happened in your case, is it, Eric? In fact, you’ve gone the other way: immediately blame your daughter for her rashness and inability to forgive.
It is true that the saying “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors” is an understatement. But then again, words are clichés because they are often true. You have not even considered the possibility that this is what is happening between your daughter (let’s call her Elisa) and her husband (Paulo).
You don’t know how long Elisa has been suffering. You don’t know how intense and intense his pain can be in his marriage. Maybe she could tell her mother, but not you. Because he knows you’ve already decided it’s his fault.
Chances are he knows exactly how you feel because children usually know from your unbridled words and little expressions.
If you always judge him the way you wrote this letter, then his “impatient” appearance may be the result of keeping silent until he can’t stop himself from saying how he feels.
He knows you prefer Paul’s personality (at least, what he shows you) to his; he knows you feel Paul is a saint and he is a sinner. This, too, can contribute to his outbursts at your family gatherings.
But all is not lost. The internet is full of articles explaining how father-daughter relationships are often complicated. These include a 2021 study it states that “adult daughters report feeling less comfortable discussing personal issues with their father than they did with their mother, and relying on their father for “instrumental support (including financial)” rather than emotional care.
Another study reported that many women said “their relationship with their father was not deep: Their conversations were superficial and could feel uncomfortable, and their father did not show weakness. Many said they were afraid of their father’s anger. Others told me they did not hug often. Few had one-on-one time with their father regularly. This reason for the lack of quality time – it trains the father who gives birth to a child.”
Oh, Eric, do you really want your relationship with your only child to stay like this? Because you don’t have to, you know.
Professor Linda Nielsen from Wake Forest University who wrote more than 12 books about father and daughter relationships like Myths and Lies about Fathers (2023) and Improving Father-Daughter Relationships (2026), It is called the most fragile relationship between parent and child.
BUT even among daughters and fathers whose goings-on have been so difficult, as yours is for Elisa, Nielsen… continues… that relationships can — and do — heal. For Nielsen, the obvious solution is better time together.
Yes, communication styles may differ by gender, age, attitudes, but regardless of those differences, if you, Eric, tried to commit to Elisa, I can’t help but feel that she, too, will return, thus making the relationship between you better.
Please don’t worry that this will directly hurt your relationship with Paul. As long as you are right, it will not be. So… how about that, Eric? It seems to me that nothing will be lost except, perhaps, your natural preference for Elisa.
I wish you the courage to take the first step.
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
