Did you enjoy checking the news this week to see if you would suddenly lose access to mifepristone, despite decades of evidence showing it is safe and effective? Do you just like America to have a patchwork of confusing laws that vary from state to state and deny you what until 2022 was guaranteed bodily liberty? Well, get used to it, ladies!
We saw how much you liked math dinner with the girls, and we cooked something extra (the last time anyone but you will cook, because cooking is your job): girl rights! They are like normal rights but skimpier.
Everyone knows how painful it is to have too many rights. Small but somehow not-so-portable girl’s rights solve the problem.
With great power comes great responsibility, and great responsibility sounds boring! You may have to dress up as a spider in an unflattering spandex costume and fight crime. Girl rights are designed just for you and your small and delicate hands. Picture of the Constitution! Now imagine it’s a rose! Also, the Fourteenth Amendment is missing. But most importantly, it’s pink!
Girls’ rights exist to solve many problems you didn’t realize you had, such as “too much body freedom,” the “male loneliness” epidemic (this is your problem to solve, ladies!), and being “little child” (Our cute, non-scary word for when you have fewer kids than we want you to have!). To answer your questions: We want 2.1 babies per fertile vessel, but currently we are only getting 1.5! No, immigration is it is not A clear, clear solution to the demographic issues facing this country, and, yes, we were only counting white babies in those figures! Nice catch! The point is: You have a girl’s right to fix those things.
Don’t dare to be deceived into thinking you are a man. Real people don’t have to keep checking the news to see if their rights are being taken away! See also: What the Supreme Court is doing with the Voting Rights Act. Girls’ rights are just one of many new special categories of finer, smaller and more sensitive rights that people can now enjoy.
Remember, it’s the Bill of Rights, not the Bill of Rights. Are you sure you need access to birth control? I just talked to someone who doesn’t understand science very well, and he said that birth control is getting into our water supply and that’s why his kids don’t talk to him anymore. We better get to the end of this. Are you sure you need to vote? Maybe we just should vote as a household. Are you sure you need to serve in the military? How can you hope to reach the high standard set by Pete Hegseth? (Remember, the most important part of war is tug-of-war. This is why things in Iran are going so well.)
Adolescent rights sound complicated. Very boring voting (if you are white) and executive power!
No stress for you. Just sit back, relax, and—smile, of course. Don’t forget to smile. You look more beautiful when you do.
