Hello! By now, we’re sure you’ve heard the latest news about Graham Platner, and we’re sure you’re wondering: Will many shoes drop? No! Not at all. Graham is very masculine to have a huge shoe collection. Except for shoes you mean something metaphorical, like a claim. In that case, maybe.
Look, if there’s one thing we at the Platner campaign can say with absolute confidence, it’s that he doesn’t have a skeleton in his closet. Well, there is something made of a skull and bones, arranged in a way that you would find in an SS helmet, but not a three-dimensional body skeleton. If you’re not asking about real bones, there might be stuff.
Is there an October surprise? Just beautiful Maine leaves! Always fun, always surprising. Unless you mean “things we haven’t mentioned about his past that might happen.” To that we say, “Don’t worry! The worst rumors are not true! Any allegations that may arise are certainly not reliable.” (Oh, New York Times just published new suspicions? Maybe only women scream!)
We thought we had decided that behavior didn’t matter. Didn’t we decide that? Please tell me we decided that on both sides of the aisle, or this election is going to be very messy.
Look, who among us has not at some point been fascinated by Nazi tools and expressed his excitement get to kill people? Republican frontrunner for governor of Colorado claims that he killed someone when he was 7 years old, and refuses to deny killing other people after that. Ken Paxton is Ken Paxton. You think there is one Employee under the age of 70 who doesn’t Skull tattoo, who wasn’t actively using a private messaging app to cheat on his wife, who would want to hold elected office?
Did you say yes to that? This! We wish we had learned that a few months ago! Good to know. We will focus on that in 2032!
The point is: People can change. Please send Platner to the Senate to confirm that. That is the best place to send people grow and change: The United States Senate!
Look, there’s one thing about Platner that’s always been consistent, and we promise it won’t change: She’s not Susan Collins. Please stop prying into her life! Just focus on his policies! Maine voters want him, and we don’t want to change that by giving them more information about him!
Remember, the alternative is Susan Collins! You know what happens if you choose Susan Collins. Roe v. Wade is overturned. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is confirmed. ICE is funded. The Senate continues to sit there, hoping someone else will investigate the president. These are your options.
You’re the perfect person to please, someone whose judgment is as good in personal matters as it is in pointing out all the ways the system is broken. For wanting someone who takes everyone’s life as seriously as his own, who doesn’t see them as targets or collateral. For wanting someone who represents the best of you, no one who isn’t just Susan Collins. Forget it, Jake—it’s 2026! You are a fool to ever get your hopes up.
