Rappler’s People section runs couples counseling series Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margaret Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from the University of Oxford. A banker for 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the past 10 years as a co-lecturer and, occasionally, as a co-therapist, especially for clients whose financial problems interfere with their daily lives..
Together they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Mistress-Eyed Mindset and Ordered Love: Filipino-Foreign Relations.
Translated from Filipino
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
Happy weekend and God bless you all. Thanks for your time and any help you can give, especially now that I feel like my back is against the wall.
I would like to ask for advice about my situation, as a man who has a wife. I am vanilla. But my wife has an online BDSM partner and they plan to meet soon.
My goal is to make sure my wife is happy, as she wants but at the same time I don’t want to be the cause of jealousy or negative feelings.
He also told me that he cannot get rid of his BDSM habits and that he will only stop when he himself has stopped living.
In your clinical experience, what is the best way to approach this correctly, in a way that is respectful, and full of love for our relationship?
– John
Dear John,
Thank you for your message.
It is commendable that you should positively invest in your marriage and try your best to find a solution to this conundrum. What is not clear is the extent to which your wife is committed to equality, which is important to your future together.
You say you’re vanilla when he’s into BDSM. You don’t want to be the cause of ‘jealousy or negative feelings’ but at the same time you feel that your ‘back is against the wall’. This seems to point to a deep confusion: you think you should give your wife a chance but in doing so you are forced into a position that leaves you oppressed and uncomfortable.
Another problem is that the problem that arises is about sex, an important area of marriage. So it is important that you think about why you feel this way before trying to find a solution to your situation.
Are you someone who avoids conflicts, are you afraid of losing your wife, are you afraid of not meeting her expectations, some of these or is it something else? Openness before engaging in important conversations about the future of your marriage is critical to the outcome, as is acknowledging that the needs of both parties must be recognized and addressed.
As for the conversation itself, the gap between vanilla and BDSM can be small or large. Is there room for compromise, to meet somewhere in the middle? If so, that’s fine; if not, and there is still a desire to endure, then you need to cancel the basis of marriage that meets the wishes of both parties.
The solution will require a clear understanding of each other’s needs (where they meet, where they diverge) and how to manage the gap ie an arrangement that includes open communication, genuine consent, boundaries and rules where appropriate.
There are many types of open marriages and you will both need to be clear about what you are signing up for and, just as importantly, what you are not.
Finally, negotiating between your own needs and your wife’s while trying to reconcile your boundaries with your desire to preserve your marriage is a task that can benefit from the help of a mental health professional, guiding you and resolving it.
All the best
– JAF Baer
Dear John,
Thank you very much for your letter. Mr. Baer touched on how the two of you are very different in terms of sexual desires. After all, you are a man who only enjoys vanilla sex with your wife, a woman who needs BDSM in her sexual encounters.
However, while trying to consider how vanilla sex is different from BDSM, Mr Baer also put the problem into perspective: that your main conflict is not so much how your sexual tastes differ, but rather that you disagree with how open your relationship to others should be.
An open relationship is usually defined as one where there is a consensual arrangement where the couple agrees to date, sleep with, or form romantic relationships with others.
The operative word here is agreement, John. Having an open marriage means that you and your wife agree to be married where each of you agrees that it is okay to have sex, and possibly even start a romantic relationship with others.
I get the feeling that you are not okay with your wife’s plan to meet a man in real life who also has BDSM interests, but who she has only met online so far.
Therefore, this is not an open relationship because from the beginning it is not right for your wife to have sex with someone else.
The most difficult thing is to achieve what you desire – to find “the best way to handle this matter correctly, in a way that is respectful, and full of love for our relationship”.
Even if you want to deal with your wife’s plan with respect and love for your relationship, your wife doesn’t want to. Although you may convince yourself for a while that everything is fine between you, after a while you will realize that this belief is a blatant lie.
Unless you are a witness, how can you continue to want a relationship where respect and love only go one way?
How do I know this? Your wife’s statement that “she will stop (enjoying BDSM with others) only when she herself has stopped living” is a very clear indication that she does not have the same level of commitment to continue your marriage.
In fact, his honesty is commendable. It’s clear that she feels very strongly that her enjoyment of BDSM is an important part of who she is. So his message to you is also clear: Given the choice between getting married and stopping his BDSM, he prefers to end the marriage because BDSM is something he can’t, or isn’t willing to, give up.
He’s not leading, John. He says you can love it or hate it.
I, for one, hope you get rid of it, instead of convincing yourself that pretending to like it is the way you show love and respect for it.
All the best
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
