I join my voice with those of Donald J. Trump, Lindsey Graham, John Fetterman, and all the others call to White House safe room now. Never mind that the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, held at the Washington Hilton, is not hosted by the White House, so if the White House were there, it wouldn’t change anything about Saturday night’s events. How dare you say something unpatriotic at a time when we need unity? Unity and theater, the earlier the better! If you look closely enough, every event, not just now but throughout history, is proof that we need a secure White House lobby.
Eruption of Mount Vesuvius, 79 CE: If they were in the ballroom attached to the White House, the ancient Pompeii might be alive today. The White House is nowhere near Mount Vesuvius.
The Donner Party: If the Donner Party had been in a nice ballroom, maybe even one attached to a dormitory, things would have turned out very differently. First, the ballroom is a climate-controlled environment. Second, it would have been difficult—indeed, impossible—to advance the hall through any mountain pass as winter approached. Third, when the food ran out, they could have canapés and other theater-related snacks.
Battle of Gettysburg: There were more than 160,000 soldiers involved in the Battle of Gettysburg, primarily infantry, although some cavalry was also involved, notably General John Buford’s two cavalry divisions, which played an important role in gaining the high ground. This could not happen in the White House. There would be no place to keep the horses.
The Extinction of the Dodo: The tragic fate of this bird is why the president needs a theater. Without the protection and concealment offered by the ballroom, she lacks a safe place to lay her eggs, and her defenseless young, who believe they will be eaten by sailors.
The Disappearance of Amelia Earhart’s Flight Over the Pacific Somewhere: This wouldn’t happen in a ballroom.
The Death of Captain Lawrence Oates During Captain Robert Falcon Scott’s Expedition to the South Pole, Where Oates Abandoned the Tent After Saying, “I’m Just Going Out and I May Be A Little Time”: This wouldn’t have happened in the ballroom attached to the White House, unless the caravan was seriously lost.
The British Burned the Palace During the War of 1812: A ballroom couldn’t hurt!
Pearl Harbor: The main lesson of the “date that will live in infamy” was that the ship would only be safe if it was safely kept in the ballroom complex. Although he said the ballroom-bunker would have to be pretty tall and wide to accommodate the ship’s turrets. Maybe the president’s lobby should be bigger, to prevent future Pearl Harbors.
That Time A Rabbit Terrifyingly Swam In The Direction Of Jimmy Carter’s Boat And Made Him Laugh For A Week: There is no way for a rabbit, scary or otherwise, aquatic or not, to get anywhere near the president in his customized hall, the White House. The ballroom is important not only for the president’s security but also for his dignity and peace of mind.
Stock Market Crash of 1929: If there was a giant ballpark connected to the stock market, it wouldn’t crash or, at least, it would crash more slowly.
Titanic: The designers of the Titanic made one big mistake. The “unsinkable” Titanic included a ballroom, but the ballroom was not connected to the East Wing of the White House. Instead, it was in a large boat in the middle of the ocean. That left it vulnerable. Ballrooms are the safest places in the world, but only if you know what you’re doing.
French Revolution: I have to think a bigger, more secure hall would have prevented this.
